Genius Bar doesn't have happy hour.

Confession: I'm a Mac fanboy. I'm a Dell reseller, but for myself...it's all MAC baby!

What's not to love! The style, the simplicity, the design all speak to me. All is perfect, till something breaks.

I love the concept of the genius bar - an assortment of clone-like geeks ready to answer your questions, unlock the Mac secret key combinations that will revive your unit or perform a repair.

The experience begins with the walk up the glass castle stairs. With each step, your head gets a little lighter, as the altitude (or is that attitude) kicks in. With my broken laptop, I go up to the Genius Bar. All the stools are taken by Macoholics who are just trying to get some attention from the Genius Bartender. Oh? I need to make a reservation? I have to see a Concierge? What is this, a hotel? The Concierge informs me that I can schedule a 15 minute Genius Bar session, but they are currently overloaded, so it will be in a couple of days. Arrive early, so you can wait, but don't arrive late, because we don't wait for you!

Walking back down the glass stairs, getting glassy stares from the Macbots working the floor, I leave feeling dry and unsatisfied.

Two days later, I enter the Mac Store again, this time with the knowledge that I will be served a cool one (cool Macspert with clammy hands). I am 15 minutes early according to the rules. The wait is longer because of the anticipation. Finally, an Apple appointed Genius invites me to the bar. He inspects my Macbook and it's clear that the hard drive is defective, but under warranty. Great! I will just leave the laptop here, pick it up when it's done, right? NO. I am informed that I have to leave again with my defective Macbook and wait by the phone till this Genius calls me to let me know when the part will come in.

At this point, I can only compare this to going to a restaurant.

"Do you have a reservation, sir?"

"No, but I'm here, I can wait a little."

"Please see our hostess and she can help you make a reservation."

"But I'm hungry now!"

"You can eat in two days."

Two days later.

"Do you have a reservation, sir?"

"Yes, yes, yes...please let me eat, I'm so hungry!"

"Please sit down sir, what would you like to eat?"

"Can I have the steak?"

"I'm sorry, although most of our customers order steak, we don't have any in stock. Please leave, and we will call you when your steak is ready. Goodbye!"

Second time at the Genius Bar, and it's NOT happy hour. I leave again, unsatisfied, to wait on the phone for them to get a hard drive...one of the most replaced parts on a laptop no less! What has this cost me so far? I've spent $12 on parking (2 x $6), and wasted half an hour the first time, three quarters of an hour the second time. This does not include the time it took to get there, find parking, and return to my work.

Of course, but the time my "steak" came, I was out of the country, so I'm still stuck with a dead Macbook. I will have to repeat the procedure again on my next return because after a few days, they will ship the "steak" back to the mother-ship.

Honestly...it doesn't take a GENIUS to figure out that this BAR is not working. I could have gone down the street with my broken Macbook, had a pint of Guinness and I would have ended up with the same result, although I would feel satisfied and refreshed.

Next time your Macbook breaks down, visit a local Pub...the Genius Bar doesn't have happy hour!

Adobe Acrobat Activation Hell - How I spent my summer vacation

I have a client who has Acrobat 8 Standard. Her PC died and when I installed Acrobat using her serial number, we were told that activation failed.

I call the Activation center number, and after a half hour wait, I had to leave to do something else. I called again about 1 hour later. After listening to agonizing New Age Music for another half hour, they hung up on me. AARRRGGG!

I settled in for another try. Prepared with drinks, snacks and making sure I had no urge to use the bathroom (because you know they would pick up while I'm there and promptly hang up!), I bravely went back to Easy Listening Elevator Music for the Insane. The temptations were great to jump into the pool, do actual work, or make other calls, but I simply could not abandon my quest. My mind wandered, thinking of all the productive things I could do. I wondered why an honest customer was automatically assumed to be a pirate with copy protection schemes. I knew that getting a keygen would take a matter of minutes and I would be done, I would be free to follow other pursuits...but no. I'm doing the right thing, following the rules. The minutes turned into hours. The infernal music playing mind games with me...am I slowly going insane? Am I really in an elevator and this desk is just an illusion? Which floor was I going to?

I soon ran out of water and snacks. The hunger pains were sharp, but I couldn't leave. They would pick up at that time right? I started eating some my tax papers. Expensive yes, but not tasty. The visions started getting stronger. The elevator doors opened, but I was unable to exit. I ran towards the exit, but it kept getting farther and farther in some distorted 3D nightmare. A call came through, and I did the unthinkable...I put Adobe on hold. Quickly losing the other call, I returned to Adobe and the terrifying sounds of the elevator. But the illusion was broken by the call. The doors openned and reality came back into view. This is what I saw:

I had just wasted 3 hours, 21 minutes and 27 seconds of my life. Time I could have spent with family, friends, heck...even enemies would have been better! Those dreadful songs etched in my memory forever. Will it ever end? Those 3 plus hours drained my energy, my joy and my respect for copy protection.

I ended it all. No...my life continues, but Adobe's torture was ended.

I now have 29 more days to prepare for the next call. Here is my top 10 list of what is needed BEFORE a call to Adobe is made:

10. A comfy chair...something you might be able to sleep in a half awake state.

9. A sharp object (not too sharp) to bring you back to reality and remind you that you can feel something else than utter confusion and frustration.

8. An iPod on stand-by with de-hypnotizing music to counter the effects of the New Age Elevator Music of Despair. I suggest some Clash and Ramones.

7. Bar fridge with cool beverages. You don't want to dehydrate during your journey to activation.

6. Exercise list to combat the risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis. Nothing like dying from a blood cloth while on hold to ruin your day.

5. Port-a-potty. Relief is just inches away!

4. Bonzai tree starter kit. Takes a lifetime to grow...you are bound to get off to a good start.

3. Anger management tips - for when and if they eventually pick up.

2. Masseuse - hire a massage therapist to come once a day to relieve tension while awaiting activation zen.

1. Conjugal visits. Activation does not mean abstinence. Just remember to pay attention to the music...

Thanks Adobe for giving me something to do on my summer vacation!